Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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