I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
