When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
40s are totally the cure
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
