You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
