I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
