His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
