Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
