Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
