woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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