New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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