if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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