Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
