i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
