the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
