I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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