she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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