hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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