On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
