I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
