Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You smell like stripper and shame
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
