right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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