You just made me feel so damn special
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
