apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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