Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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