Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
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