My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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