i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
This toilet bowl is my home.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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