I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
