the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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