I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
