my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
