I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
