Got a toothbrush?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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