dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
