this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
