hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
