turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
