I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
You can't motorboat a personality
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
