dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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