She is in my trunk
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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