Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
