yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
