Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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