I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think my fart just growled at me.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
