I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
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