You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
