dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Randomize
