If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It's shark week go big or go home
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
