we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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