Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
