I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
